The journey after surviving a miscarriage is long and full of guilt. However, Omaira Farooq feels that the more women speak about it, the less stigma is attached to it and recovery is more attainable when people feel less alone
They say there is nothing more soul crushing than a married woman who feels lonely. That is exactly how Omaira Farooq felt in the winter of 2008.
Farooq had just gotten married, and was excited to start the next chapter of her life. She always had irregular periods and never thought much about it, and a few months into her marriage she and her husband found out she was pregnant. However, joy quickly turned into sadness.
“One day I was at home, watching tv and lying down on the couch. I felt a gush of what I thought was water, I leaped up thinking I had spilled my water bottle. What I discovered was far worse. My lilac sweatpants had huge red streaks running down them. At first, I didn’t really understand what I was looking at, but it wasn’t stopping and had almost reached my toes,” said Farooq.
Running to the bathroom, she called out to her husband, who wasn’t home. She wrapped a towel around herself as blood was still gushing out, and ran to get her phone. She called him a few times but there was no answer. Next, she called her mother who was at the grocery store and told her to come home. She was alone, frightened, and starting to feel weak. She went into the shower to wash the blood away, but water, even as neutral as it is, stung. She felt sick, weak and tired.
“I lay on the floor for what felt like hours. As soon as my mom arrived, she sprang into action. She helped me get up and said that we needed to go to the hospital and that my grandmother and my aunt would meet us there. We were always a strong family of women, and though my father was out of town, he was on the phone trying to figure out what was going on,” she said.
Once they reached the emergency room, she felt such shame and guilt. Society often labels women who experience miscarriages as weak, and only the strong can carry full term. Her thoughts spiralled – “What have I done? What did I do wrong?” Her thoughts immediately focused on what she could have done to prevent this and if she was even worthy of becoming a mother.
Society forces such awful stereotypes on women and the effect is detrimental to our mental and physical wellbeing. Shaming women has caused many not to speak about what they have gone through and in return many of them feel isolated.
“My grandmother (God rest her soul) was such a warrior. She took one look at me and told the nurses to take care of me. She reassured me that it wasn’t my fault and that when all this is over, we will sit down and heal,” said Farooq.
The doctors and nurses quickly performed a D&C, a procedure where abnormal cells are cleaned out. “It felt so strange to hear that. What was once going to be a baby was now considered an abnormal cell. Most often women are told that this is normal and that they shouldn’t make a big deal out of it. Other times they are told by members of their community that they don’t have what it takes to carry a baby full term. Why can’t women just be comforted? Let the woman grieve. Let her pick up the pieces. Give her a support system where she can talk about her feelings and not feel judged,” she said.
Most of the time after a miscarriage, women are allowed to return home after a few hours. When Farooq came home, she remembers all she could smell was blood. She couldn’t enter the bathroom without feeling nauseous. She lit candles and sprayed perfume, but the smell lingered. She said, “It stays with you for a while. Some women can’t enter the place where the initial start of the miscarriage happens, and often they can’t understand why they feel like that. Empathy towards miscarriages is not high.”
The bright side though? Since 2019 many women are speaking about different issues and bringing to light things that were buried years before. She went on to have three beautiful, lovely daughters and has remarried to a wonderful man who is always there for her.
There is no shame in miscarriages. Nobody is weak for going through it. Most importantly, you are not alone. It is so important to have a community where you can talk about the things you went through. To be able to be honest and open about your darkest moments and know that you will not be judged in a space where you are supported, loved, and taken care of.
“I created the Unfiltered magazine for this sole purpose – to have a community where real stories are shared. Unfiltered is where the good, the bad and the ugly carry the same weight. It’s not just enough to escape reality, that’s what is told to us so that we don’t have a support system. I encourage you all to join this community and let your voices be heard. Let’s all heal together,” said Farooq.
