Figuring Out Fatherhood

Michael Hanson discusses being a new dad, waiting for that moment of connection with his baby, and managing when it didn’t happen immediately

When Michael Hanson and his wife, Kate were expecting their first child, Cece, they were assured by the people closest to them that it would be the best thing that ever happened to them and when the baby is born, there’s a magical moment of connection that happens between it and the parents. They were also told that a baby would just fit into their lives with minimum adjustment needed.

Hanson said the build-up to the birth brought him and Kate closer together, particularly in the first few months when only the two of them knew. Once they started sharing the news and friends and family got excited, people would ask him how he was feeling and he’d always give a non-committal reply.

“I was a bit apprehensive. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know how much was actually going to change. I’m not one to open up about my feelings. I don’t have a super close group of male friends who I would have that openness and those kinds of conversations with. At the same time, Kate needed my support, her body was changing while growing a baby, and I sometimes felt like a spare part stacked in the side-lines,” he said.

During a particularly difficult birth and an emergency C-section, Hanson was more concerned about Kate, and he started to feel guilty because he wasn’t worrying about the baby instead. Thankfully, Cece was born absolutely fine, and while Kate was in post-op with the surgeons, Hanson was whisked away with the baby.

“I was looking at her, thinking she’s so sweet. But I hadn’t had this magical moment. It wasn’t there for me. The next few days it was just us in the hospital in our own little bubble; the three of us getting to know each other. There was a nurse there on hand to help us, and then all of a sudden, we had to go home. We had to care for this baby,” he said.

Stating the obvious, everything revolves around a newborn, and somebody always has to be there. Hanson is the first to admit he didn’t know what he was doing and felt like he was winging it. Kate also hadn’t had that moment, given the traumatic birth and all her focus being on Cece.

BACK TO WORK
Hanson had a week with his new family before returning to work. He found it tough to leave each day, he was exhausted because Cece wasn’t sleeping, and battling with not going to the gym to address his stress. “My mental health had gone down. Sometimes I would just come into a room, and I could feel myself trying to snap out of it. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone about the pressure I was feeling. I felt that as the man I should be taking care of my wife and baby. It’s really difficult to control those thoughts when you’re completely exhausted,” he said.

At that time, Hanson felt like he was struggling through each day, still waiting for everything to fall into place. Slowly, he started to communicate about everything that was weighing on his mind with Kate, who was incredibly supportive.

After a few months, as Cece became more aware and interactive and started to recognise Hanson, she’d be upset when he left and she would let him comfort her, and that’s when he felt like he was developing the bond. It grew as Kate started her own salon which took a lot of her time and Hanson could take on more of Cece’s daily routine, which made him useful and like he was contributing.

A year later, while there are still changes that take getting used to, Hanson feels more settled. “Cece’s beautiful. Any time that I wonder what I’m doing or if I’m doing it right, she looks at me and gives me a smile, and I feel ok again.”

MICHAEL HANSON’S ADVICE FOR NEW DADS
Everyone will have their own journey and just because you feel differently to others doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It doesn’t mean that you’re failing at all. People will struggle. If you can talk about it, it takes a lot of pressure off and then you will realise you’re not the only one struggling with those feelings. Don’t believe social media – nobody is going to upload posts of their screaming baby and everyday struggles.

Get in touch: @soaksalon_dxb