It’s ok not to be OK

In an era of being perpetually bombarded with reminders to think positive thoughts in every situation, we look at the reality that sometimes we are not managing as well as we’d like and that doesn’t make us any less

By Maha Gorton

They say that if your car starts to spin, take your foot off the brake and go with it, not to fight it then you’ll be able to regain control. But are we told the same thing about our emotions and general well-being? In our picture-perfect world of social media, “good vibes only” foots many a caption and even more so, takes precedence amongst a list of quasi-positive hashtags. When someone musters the courage to voice their struggle, we inherently try to comfort them with platitudes such as, “It could be so much worse!” and “You’ve got so much to be grateful for.” But does one outweigh the other? Can we not carry heavy emotions and be incredibly grateful?

My first realisation of not being OK was after the birth of my first child. From the outside I looked like I was taking to motherhood like a duck to water, but exhaustion had set in, and I was truly burnt out and struggling. My metaphoric car was spinning out of control, and I was fighting against it. Finally, I plucked up the courage to say the words out loud.  “I’m having a hard time. I’m not OK,” I managed to mutter as the tears of defeat fell. “You’ve had a baby. Life goes on!” were the words I received — a response that set the tone for handling difficult days and heavy feelings. 

Globally, women are 11.7 per cent more impacted by mental health struggles compared to men at 9.3 per cent, according to a 2018 study by Our World in Data. This statistic is hardly surprising when typically, women are consciously or subconsciously expected to put others – family members, a partner, children, work – before themselves at any given time. When it gets too much and we can’t keep it all together, when we get burnt out and we can’t hide that struggle, we are all too often cruelly labelled a train wreck, basket case or unhinged. These terms are thrown around to describe someone who is showing their emotions that bit more than is deemed socially acceptable and voicing negative feelings, and sadly they are typically reserved almost exclusively for women, and so we push the emotions down. 

When we go through a challenging time and we are seen not to cry and seemingly continue as normal, we are praised for being so strong. Whilst the praise is a form of support and encouragement, it also sends the message that if we allow the impact of what we are going through to be seen outwardly then not only are we failing somehow but we are disappointing those around us.

2020 was a year that the world faced not being OK as a collective, and somehow that united struggle brought some beautiful and very much-needed acceptance to being open about mental health. Speaking openly about therapy, anxiety, and even medication suddenly became far less taboo, and ‘self-care’ became the new buzz word. But how many of us practice what we preach? And how many of us allow others that same leeway?

Dr. Saliha Afridi, Director of The LightHouse Arabia, discussed the topic in a live session on Instagram which highlighted the importance of allowing yourself to address the feelings you’re having, rather than forcing yourself to disregard them. She advised, “Before thinking about releasing grief and anger, start by sitting with it and hearing what it is saying and what it is asking of you.” 

When we resist these feelings, we actually amplify them, and end up taking on more emotional pain. So, instead of pushing them away we need to acknowledge them rather than judging ourselves or trying to change them.  Accepting those heavy feelings and understanding that in giving yourself the permission to feel does not mean you are letting them consume you, and you create space for others around you the same. 

With acceptance comes healthy ways to process and heal. The normalisation of mental health struggles and the presence of difficult feelings has seen an increase in meditation and mindfulness apps, as well as access to online therapy. But what else can we do to process and ride the wave of struggle? 

Walking out of my regular HIIT class, the dim lights, and loud music I find almost instant relief. The momentum of my ever-spinning metaphoric car was no longer in the forefront of my mind and was replaced by the momentum of the treadmill and the booming instructions of the coach. Fifty minutes later I am reminded that while I might not be in control of everything, there are some things I can control. It is well documented that physical exercise plays a key role in well-being, showing that it can improve symptoms of anxiety, stress and depression.

But if booking into your nearest yoga class or jumping on the treadmill isn’t your thing, mind.org.uk suggests looking to food for solace. That doesn’t mean rushing to your nearest drive thru but by eating regularly, choosing healthy options, and incorporating more beneficial foods like those rich in omega-3 and omega-6 and managing your caffeine intake. We can significantly improve our mood, energy levels and help ourselves to think more clearly. The power of connecting with a loved one, taking a walk in nature, journaling, or simply listing three things that we are grateful for in that moment, no matter how seemingly small or insignificant, should not be underestimated either. 

Today might be hard, and tomorrow might be hard too but you’re not alone in this. As Maya Angelou once said, “Every storm runs out of rain.” It’s OK to not be OK all of the time.